Life Less Ordinary
by Malteaser
Summary: One-shots and drabblets about the more surreal adventures of the Enterprise crew. Chapter Six: But the sex was spectacular!
1. Imposter

The bench in the brig was uncomfortable.

Not that he supposed that it was meant to be comfortable. Not that he expected that he would be much more comfortable anywhere else, except maybe under heavy sedation in his own damn sick bay.

Jim stood outside the forcefield. No, not Jim; whatever it was that had crawled inside his skin. It stood in Jim's body with a smile that had come from somewhere else entirely.

"Leonard," Not-Jim said, and he alomst laughed. How could the other's not see? "Leo, Len, Lenny... what were you thinking?"

'I'm Bones," he thought. 'I'm Bones, after the only thing I had left, before I threw up on you- on Jim- in the goddamn shuttle.'

He didn't say it though. He didn't say anything. He was pretty sure that his chances of breathing tomorrow went up with everything this guy got wrong.

"Nothing? Not even a glare?" Not Jim cajouled. Jimmy, Bones decided. He'd call this thing Jimmy. Jim had always hated that nickname.

"Well, that's disappointing," Jimmy's face fell. "I was hoping we could have a heart-to-heart."

Bones smirked, ever so slightly.

"I mean, we've already done fist-to-fist, and I won that pretty resoundingly. Are you sure you don't want to talk to me?"

Bones forced his smirk to stay in place, and ignored the way ever single one of the bruises he was currently sporting flared up.

"Well, maybe later then," Jimmy turned around and walked out of the room, his stride a little too wide-set. "See ya, Doc."

Bones settled against the wall, and began to wait for someone else to figure out that Jim was more than a little off, hissing when he put some pressure on his busted rib.


	2. Scottimus Prime

Pavel was just laying the coordinates into the navicomputer when Optimus Prime stepped out of the turbolift.

"An' what exactly do ye think yer doin'?" It demanded in Scotty's voice.

He closed his eyes, counted to three, and opened them again. Nope. Still there, and still looking at him in a very angry way.

"...Um?" Kirk demanded, staring at the Transformer from his Captain's chair.

"Donae 'um' me, lad, that's my girlfriend he's sittin' on!" Optimus exclaimed, stomping over to wear Pavel was sitting in his seat, struck dumb.

"Captain, it might be advisable to take counteractive measures at this time," Spock informed him calmly.

"In this situation, Commander, you don't need to wait for my permis-"

At that moment, Optimus reached out, grabbed Pavel and threw him across the bridge. The last thing he heard was "An' keep yer filthy hands off my lady's unmentionables!"

Then he woke up.

"Are you okay?" Hikaru asked from his seat across the shuttle's aisle. "You were kind of twitching."

"My brain scares me sometimes," Pavel admitted, and refused to say any more about it.


	3. For the Lulz

"Captain," Uhura said from her post, brows furrowed as she pressed her ear piece closer to her head in a vain effort to make the transmission more comprehensible. "We're being hailed. I think."

"You think?" Kirk asked, puzzled. It wasn't like Uhura to be vague.

"There's a signal coming from the planet's surface, but... it's not coming through cleanly," Uhura replied.

"Patch it through," Kirk commanded.

Uhura did so; a large, fuzzy, distinctly feline face appeared on the view screen.

"O HAI THAR! U IZ NOT CIELING CAT!"


	4. Domestication

Chris cannot feel anything below his waist. What he can feel above them isn't very pleasant, to say the least.

What this has to do with the fact that Nero is standing in front of him wearing what looks to be a stereotypical 1950's housewife outfit is anyone's guess.

"Hello Christopher," Nero greets him, using two fingers to tilt his face towards him. He has earrings on, sparkly things which glitter brightly in the darkness. If he could think, maybe he could tell why that struck him as so wrong. As it is, he spends a little while trying to will Nero's bald head to become covered in blond curls; when it fails to happen, he takes it as a sign that this might not be some sort of fucked up dream after all. Too bad.

"And how was your day, dear?" Nero asks. His fingers rub down the side of Chris' face, and end up over the pulse point. His hand covered his throat and squeezed. "Dear?"

Jesus, he's expected to answer that?

"Kind of shitty," he croaks.

"Poor Christopher," Nero says. "But, look I have something to cheer you up."

A hologram floats above the table now: a sphere with familiar swirls of blue and green and brown. Earth.

"You're home."


	5. Silence is Golden

"Well," the Ambassador said, smiling at the command staff. "It sounds like it's going to be quiet today." Because the Federation needed access to the Hradoqs shipyards and they controlled the territory around a Vulcan-like world that the Council had their eyes on, no one _actually_ groaned, but it was a near thing. Even Spock's eyebrows furrowed slightly in distress. You just didn't say stuff like that. It tempted fate, and fate had already had it with them and their changed destinies and all.

Fate also had a good sense of timing. No sooner had the command staff suppressed their reactions than the ship was plunged into red alert, and they all had to spring up and run to the bridge.

"Report!" Captain Kirk ordered.

"There's an ion storm forming off our port nacelle!" Lt. Patel informed them.

Hikaru swore under his breath as he slid into the pilot's seat, and he heard Pavel agree vehemently in Russian beside him.

"Lt. Sulu," Kirk began. Hikaru waited, hands poised over the controls.

And waited.

And waited...

He turned around, to see Kirk looking ahead with an expression of confusion on his face. He opened his mouth, his lips moved but no sound came out.

"Captain?" Hikaru asked. Or rather tried to ask. No sound was coming out of his mouth either.

Kirk met his eyes and made an emphatic shooing motion he interpreted as "Get us the hell out of here, Lieutenant."

Just before he turned back to the controls, Hikaru saw Uhura bury her face in her hands.


	6. Little Buns in Unusual Ovens

"Doctor, the sheer impossibility of that statement leads me to conclude that you are, in fact, trying to pull my leg," Spock said.

Leonard made a rude sounding noise and reached for a hypospray, as was his habit when dealing with overly stubborn patients. It didn't even matter whether or not there was anything in it, holding it made him feel better. "Oh, so you jump right on the time travel wagon at the first sign of trouble but I tell you you're pregnant and suddenly the odds are too long for you?"

"Time travel is improbable, not impossible," Spock replied calmly. "I am male; it is impossible for me to be carrying Lt. Gaila's child."

"And, since she's the one with the ovipositor, it should be impossible for Gaila to be pregnant with Nyota's child. I didn't hear any cries of 'illogical!' from you then."

Leonard loaded up his hypospray with pre-natal vitamins and injected it into Spock's neck. One corner of his eyebrow twitched. "It was also really, really unlikely for Nyota to become pregnant with your baby, what with her tubes being tied and all. And yet, you're all pregnant and I'm in dire need of alcohol. Congratulations."

"Your dependency on mind altering substances does not change the fact that it is impossible for me to be pregnant."

"Yes, you are," Leonard showed him the readout display. "See? There's the uterus that sprung out of nowhere, here's a channel I'm pretty sure will result in a vagina..."

_"This is illogical."_ Spock hissed.

"Well, next time we end up on a trading world with loads and loads of fertility goddesses, maybe you shouldn't have a threesome," Leonard told him, privately agreeing. He wasn't going to let the Vulcan know that, though. "Go talk to the women, I'm going to write up my medical report."


End file.
